My Negative Campaign Ad


In light of the upcoming election, there’s been one thought that has been constantly running through my head: I should totally run for president. But then it hits me- there’s just too much dirt, too many skeletons.

You know those negative campaign ads- the ones that claim one of the candidates used to be a henchman in Hitler’s army? Well I know my hopes of being the next POTUS would be dashed when the mud-slinging gets pointed in my direction.

Because of this, I thought I’d get it out of the way, and make my very own negative campaign ad. Here are some of the reasons the commercials would tell you not to vote for Stephen Haggerty:

- “He once thought the Green Party was an Al Green themed costume party featuring disco suits and baby-making music.”

- “Talk about a flip-flopper. This guy wears flip-flops more than he wears shoes. Never trust a flip-flopper.”

- “The most money he’s ever raised for a race was $35 for a 10k he ran in… in which he placed 13,463rd.”

-”He hates wearing suits. Imagine: the first inaugural address in jeans and flip-flops.”

So there you have it, America. A vote for Haggerty is a vote for communist Russia.

Sponsored by the league of Americans against communist Russia and flip-flops.

Who would be a better negative campaign ad narrator: Darth Vader or Screech from Saved By The Bell?

  • Jason Vana

    Clearly the League of Americans against Communist Russia and Flip-Flops have invested their time wisely making sure you will never be President. Score one for them! lol

    • Stephen Haggerty

      The LAACRAFF is a formidable foe indeed. They can’t be underestimated.

  • Daniel Carman

    Plus I heard from a reliable source that you still wet the bed!

    • Stephen Haggerty

      I thought that was normal, or else I definitely would have included it in the ad.

  • Phil

    Screech sounds for ominous, at least we know what Vader’s intentions are.

    I also hate wearing suits. I found a job in a basement just so I can wear jeans to work everyday

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Jeans to work is the life for me- and that’s on my fancy days…

  • Alexis Sanchez

    We all know how bad Darth Vader is…Screech would make mess his campaign up on his own.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Truth. Although a Screech narrated campaign ad would be sure to bolster your numbers with the ’90′s geek crowd.

  • austingilly

    Once you get Reef flip flops to sponsor you, you’ll slide right in no problems.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Stroke of genius, A-Gil. What’s a run for the presidency without a corporate sponsorship? :)

  • Mona R. Reed

    But look at your better half…. totally First Lady material!

    • Stephen Haggerty

      You’re sweet, Mona! I agree. That’s a woman who could definitely run the country.

  • Tyler Hess

    “The most money he’s ever raised for a race was $35 for a 10k he ran in… in which he placed 13,463rd.”

    You could have just said “runs”. running is the devil.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      You funny, Tyler. I’m nominating you my negative campaign manager.

      • Tyler Hess

        I accept. You’re the worst.

  • Joan Penn-Bastian

    I’m all for the first Hippie white house!

    • Stephen Haggerty

      What’d you call me? :p

  • Ken Hagerman

    Note to self: Cancel rental of “I’m gonna get you sucka” suit and platform shoes for Green Party, it’s not what I thought.

    You didn’t mention you thought the Press Secretary was the person who irons your jeans before a big meeting.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Where do you even come up with this stuff? =) If I could have half the wit you have I’d be okay.

      • Ken Hagerman

        It’s you bro. I do my best work when I have great material to start with and you provide it. This is just what it’s like being me. It’s entertaining but a little weird.

  • Loren Pinilis

    Didn’t James Earl Jones die? So I guess you have to go with Dustin Diamond.

    I think it would actually be fun in a way to be involved in politics. I wouldn’t want to be a politician, but I bet I could be a good speech writer.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Screech narrating anything would be a win. And you could totally do the speech-writing. I’d love to write speeches for the Terminator, so I could make him say words I know he’d botch.

  • Rob Shepherd

    I’d go with Darth Vader. To combat that for your ads you should get Morgan Freeman. All people like Morgan Freeman and he narrates very well.

  • Dan Black

    Great post. One time in his life he went to American Eagle every other day to find out if they had any new clothing on the cleanse rack. Never trust a guy who likes shopping.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Ha- nice confession! That ad might just knock you out of the race.

  • ThatGuyKC

    haha! Love this. A great reminder that we aren’t all that and a bag of chips.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Thanks, KC. PS- way to get a Twitter shoutout from Don Miller the other day! :)

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