One of my favorite characters on TV these days is Ron Swanson. If you’ve never watched “Parks And Recreation,” first of all, I’m sorry. Stop what you’re doing, get out from the rock you’ve been under, and begin living. Second, you should know that Ron Swanson is basically the epitome of a red-meat-eating/facial-hair-wearing american male… which is exactly why he is one of my heroes.
He’s gruff and he speaks his mind, and that just isn’t any way to make friends. Because of this, I like to live vicariously through Mr. Swanson. Every time I want to tell someone the first thing that comes to my mind, I use my filter, and later go back and pretend I said the thing that Swanson would have said. This method isn’t perfect, but it’s working for me so far.
All that said, in case you find yourself in a circumstance today where you’re asking, “What would Ron Swanson say?” fear no more. I present for your enjoyment, the Top 10 Ron Swanson Quotes of All Time:
10: “Anyone want to go to JJ’s for some after-dinner omelets?”
9: “I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
8: “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
7: “Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.”
6: “I won’t publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. My only official recommendations are US Army issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence fine two inch style oscillating knife blade.”
5: On surprise Birthday parties: “I don’t like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don’t like people celebrating, because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
4: “Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.”
3: After being asked if he’s ever eaten a turkey burger: “Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes, delicious.”
2: “When I’m done eating a Mulligan’s meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache. And I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.”
1: “You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.”
I hope you’ve enjoyed this Ron Swanson moment. Now get out there, and keep wishing you could pull off the bushy mustache/ furrowed brow look that only a man of Swanson-stature can.
Are you a tell-it-like-it-is type of guy/gal, or do you prefer to have friends?