Dear years 1980-1989,
What’s been up? It’s been a really long time since I’ve heard from you. I know you’ve been busy with stuff like making movies about the future, and music that- well, let’s be honest- music that you’ll one day regret. But it’s okay- I understand.
I’m not writing to make you feel bad for losing touch- I just wanted to drop you a quick line and update you on things… you know, let you in on how things worked out for you, what happens to you in the future, how all your celebrities go bankrupt- stuff like that.
It’s probably best we start with the good news. Let’s talk about some things you guessed right.
You totally nailed it on the video chat deal. It’s actually a little scary how accurate you had it on this one- even down to the flat-screen TV and guy grinning into the camera because he’s watching himself instead of the person he’s chatting with. How did you even know??
In other good news for you, your beloved Madonna is still around and continuing to make music. Though scientists are still working on the research, the evidence suggests that she will live forever, serving as an ageless reminder that music from the ’80′s was created to haunt the souls of men for eternity.
On a less positive note, your music and fashion trends will die out with the advent of ’90′s trendsetters David Hasselhoff and Ace Ventura. But, to turn a negative into a positive, your flare for leg-warmers, denim jackets, and all things neon will be brought back to life by every high school/college costume party in the year 2012. I hope you appreciate the homage.
I wish I could continue on the pros, but that’s all I got for now. There were, on the other hand, some thoughts that didn’t quite pan out…
Let’s talk about “Hammer pants.” Don’t get me wrong- I still wear mine. They are comfortable, stylish, and the only pair of pants I like to wear when reenacting the “Too Legit To Quit” video. That said, not everyone else saw it this way.
In terms of how to brace for the future, I’m not sure there’s any one thing I can tell you to help prepare you. While we are still working on the hoverboard, self-lacing shoes, and flying cars, we have made some pretty amazing technological advances.
You won’t believe me when I tell you this, but in the year 2012, you’ll actually be able spend most of your time sharing your pictures, news about where you had lunch, and life-changing writing logs called “blogs” with the entire world. I know this blows your mind, but trust me, it’s even better than it sounds.
Oh, and tell the Goonies hello. Those guys are great, and as it turns out, no one’s been able to top them yet.
Better 80′s icon: Michael Jackson or Richard Simmons?