Dear The 80′s…

Dear years 1980-1989,

What’s been up? It’s been a really long time since I’ve heard from you. I know you’ve been busy with stuff like making movies about the future, and music that- well, let’s be honest- music that you’ll one day regret. But it’s okay- I understand.

I’m not writing to make you feel bad for losing touch- I just wanted to drop you a quick line and update you on things… you know, let you in on how things worked out for you, what happens to you in the future, how all your celebrities go bankrupt- stuff like that.

It’s probably best we start with the good news. Let’s talk about some things you guessed right.

You totally nailed it on the video chat deal. It’s actually a little scary how accurate you had it on this one- even down to the flat-screen TV and guy grinning into the camera because he’s watching himself instead of the person he’s chatting with. How did you even know??

In other good news for you, your beloved Madonna is still around and continuing to make music. Though scientists are still working on the research, the evidence suggests that she will live forever, serving as an ageless reminder that music from the ’80′s was created to haunt the souls of men for eternity.

Oh, who are we kidding, 2010's...

On a less positive note, your music and fashion trends will die out with the advent of ’90′s trendsetters David Hasselhoff and Ace Ventura. But, to turn a negative into a positive, your flare for leg-warmers, denim jackets, and all things neon will be brought back to life by every high school/college costume party in the year 2012. I hope you appreciate the homage.

I wish I could continue on the pros, but that’s all I got for now.  There were, on the other hand, some thoughts that didn’t quite pan out…

Let’s talk about “Hammer pants.” Don’t get me wrong- I still wear mine. They are comfortable, stylish, and the only pair of pants I like to wear when reenacting the “Too Legit To Quit” video. That said, not everyone else saw it this way.

Apparently, kids thought it best to trade in for a more aerodynamic approach.

In terms of how to brace for the future, I’m not sure there’s any one thing I can tell you to help prepare you. While we are still working on the hoverboard, self-lacing shoes, and flying cars, we have made some pretty amazing technological advances.

You won’t believe me when I tell you this, but in the year 2012, you’ll actually be able spend most of your time sharing your pictures, news about where you had lunch, and life-changing writing logs called “blogs” with the entire world. I know this blows your mind, but trust me, it’s even better than it sounds.

Oh, and tell the Goonies hello. Those guys are great, and as it turns out, no one’s been able to top them yet.

Better 80′s icon: Michael Jackson or Richard Simmons?

  • Larry Carter

    No sweating to the oldies in my world.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      But I mean, that guy can get group of ladies motivated, can he not??

  • Jason Vana

    Probably my two least favorite figures from the 80′s.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      :) No love for Thriller or short shorts, huh?

  • Daniel Carman

    I love how you have picked out two folks who are clearly the best ambassadors of the 1980s, Hasselhoff and Ventura. You really have gotten directly to the source on this one. Both tall. Both fictional characters. Both impeccably coiffed. Two thumbs up.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Ha… Yes, I went deep into my researching archives and lost lots of sleep over who to select as icons. MJ and Simmons seemed to own the ’80′s, just as The Hoff (clearly fictional, good call) and that Dumberer guy did the ’90′s. CLEARLY.

  • Heather

    I think you over-stretched a bit by calling hammer pants stylish. Just a touch.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Over-”stretched” Hammer pants?! NICE. I like what you did there.
      And their style is ageless, you know this, Heather!

  • Phil

    Tough choice there, I’ll go with Richard Simmons because he probably won’t garner many votes.

    I also still have Hammer pants, and Goonies are still good enough for me.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Goonies rule.
      Way to go with Simmons. Any guy who can rock an afro and short shorts while working out deserves some recognition. That’s all I’m sayin’.

  • Bill (cycleguy)

    This is brilliant Stephen! You made it even more so by referring to a movie from my favorite trilogy of movies-Back to the Future. I feel really old though. I never liked Madonna. I never have seen Goonies. I ’bout gagged the one time I saw Ace Ventura. I do remember KITT but Baywatch? Never watched it either. (jealous wife you know?) LOL I concur with Larry: no sweating to the oldies on this day or any other day. As for MJ? Didn’t he used to be able to sing when he was a kid?

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Back To The Future = The best trilogy of all time. I know… controversial- but I’m stickin’ with it!

  • Ken Hagerman

    Michael Jackson and Richard Simmons are the same guy. This is the marketing brainchild of a would be antichrist. First steal the hearts of every downtrodden but heavily buffet-laden soul out there with catchy 50′s and 60′s tunes blended with exercise. Then change clothes and tunes to conquer the quirky pop music audiophiles across the globe. One guy to rule them all. The problem–Revelation. He’s not in it, I don’t think.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      I may have to sleep on this one. It’s a little too much to handle at once. Why would you assume I could handle a bomb like this?!

  • Thomas Mason

    I happen to love 80′s music. I’m sorry but the music of today doesn’t even compare. As far as the better 80′s icon, I love Michael Jackson, but Richard Simmons for some reason always made me laugh. He was such a funny-looking little man.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      I can’t fault you for that. I’m sure there were some diamonds in the rough. Just curious- what 80′s bands/groups did it for you?

  • Joan Penn-Bastian

    Great post Stephen. Love Back to Future. I use the term, “Hello McFly” often. Hard choice between MJ & RS they both got people up dancing! Waiting to see pictures of you “Stepping to the rhythm of a sho-nuff winner”.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Thanks, Joan! Biff is a great character in that most epic saga. :) Way to quote some MC- you know what’s up!

  • Rob Shepherd

    This was glorious! I’m pretty sure Hammer and his pants were all 1990′s. I would also say that you might be just a little young to appreciate how glorious the 80′s were. The music was awesome and I’m sticking to that. I also loved the originality. Mr. T, Hulk Hogan, Max Hedroom, Pee Wee Herman, the Goonies, Indiana Jones, and all things John Hughes. In the last ten years you would be hard pressed to find 5 iconic characters that are new. A lot of characters today are based off of old ideas from the 80′s.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      I definitely can’t argue with all of the above 80′s stars you mentioned. Though I may not have much love for 80′s music, I do love me some ’80′s movies.

  • Dan Black

    I think Richard Simmons caused kids and adults to have nightmares, just my opinion. So I would have to go with Michael Jackson. I really like the Back To The Future movies.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Ha… he is a scary dude indeed. Though he’d be entertaining to be around in person (like watching an episode of Jersey Shore), I’m sure it would need to be in doses.

      • Dan Black


  • Tyler Hess

    I will reserve judgment until 2015, to see if the Marlins have changed their name to the Gators. I’m not even a Cubs fan, but I’m kinda hoping…

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Touche, Tyler. I’ve always wondered why more Cubs fans don’t own Deloreans…

  • Clay Morgan

    Ah, stuff about the 80s. Ricky Anderson knew I needed to see this. HOWEVA, I have much more homage to pay. But you nailed it with The Goonies.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Glad I at least had you with the Goonies.
      Goonies never say die!

  • austingilly

    I have no thoughts about the 80s. I am a Michael Jackson fan, though.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      Jackson 5, “Thriller,” or “We Are The World” MJ?

  • Loren Pinilis

    I heard that in some parts of Africa, the only English words they know are “Michael Jackson” – so I guess that answers your question. But you don’t love 80′s music? Sure there are a few misses, but there were some awesome songs too.

    • Stephen Haggerty

      A few too many Flock Of Seagulls haircuts and techno beats for me. I like the Kirate Kid soundtrack and a few other exceptions, but for the most part I was happy to see 80′s music left behind

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